Women should be obscene and not heard.
In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go...
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I not events have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose...
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll...
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest...
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is that I was born....
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've...
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not...
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it...
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
To those who have exhausted politics nothing remains but abstract thought.
