When I was a teenager I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours bouffanting my hair like Patty Duke and trying to recreate Barbra Streisand's flawless eyeliner only to comb it all out and wash it all off before stepping out into the world a butchish bisexual teen.

I used to wear a lot of red lipstick and when I got a pimple I'd cover it up with eyeliner to turn it into a beauty mark.