My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl...
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the...
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away...
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear...
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has...
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to...
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
There's so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose...
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in...
Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or I'd be rotten to the core.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for...
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Whatever you may look like marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades...
Talk of citizenship today is often thin and tinny. The word has a faintly old-fashioned feel to it when used in everyday conversation. When evoked in national politics it's usually accompanied by the shrill whine of a descending culture-war mortar.
