What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me?...
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just...
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on...
Yeah I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history too.
People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if...
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or...
Don't follow any advice no matter how good until you feel as deeply in your...
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over He would...
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are...
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over he would have put...
Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why...
Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years...
Never floss with a stranger.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes and six months later...
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and...
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.
Diets like clothes should be tailored to you.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good and it's totally...
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
There are only three things that can kill a farmer: lightning rolling over in a tractor and old age.
